Welcome to the very first stop in our Meet Our Village series - a space where we gather trusted voices to share wisdom on parenting, play, creativity, and family life.
In today’s world, conversations around co-regulation, understanding the nervous system, and making room for big feelings feel both vital and timely. We’re honored to welcome Abby Brammell, who is here to gently guide us through the pathway of regulation and share practical ways families can soothe their nervous systems and co-regulate, nurturing connected, calm, and resilient children.
Abby and her family know firsthand what it means to move through deep dysregulation and toward repair. Last January, they lost their home and all their belongings in the Eaton Fire in Altadena, California. Drawing from both her professional training as a therapist and her lived experience, Abby leaned into the tools of co-regulation to help steady her family through immense loss. Out of that journey, she is working towards releasing Connection Quest, a game that illustrates the path of regulation in a way children can understand and experience. She also founded a nonprofit dedicated to bridging the worlds of art and neuroscience to help families access healing through creativity and connection.
We asked Abby to share more about how we can better understand our nervous systems and for some simple, meaningful ways to practice co-regulation at home.
How might understanding the nervous system’s pathway of regulation help families stay connected, happy, and healthy as well as understand how to process big feelings that might arise throughout the day?
Such a great question! I’ll try to keep this super simple. The pathways of physical and emotional regulation begin with connection for mammals. Humans cannot survive on our own as infants and we must have caregivers tend to our every need when we are very young. This is why you sometimes hear that co-regulation must occur before self-regulation. Ideally, the care we receive as children allows us to feel safe, seen, heard, and loved. Feeding, rocking, making eye contact, smiling, singing songs, bathing, and playing with children are all ways we co-regulate in order to help children stay regulated.
As children, we watched how grown ups tended to us, calmed us down, and responded to our behaviors, which eventually influenced how we grew to care for ourselves. This ability to self-regulate is a life long journey and the need for co-regulation never goes away.
What can big feelings tell us about how safe our kids and ourselves really feel?
When big feelings surface this is an excellent cue that something about the situation does not feel safe and there is a perceived threat. Grown ups might not feel scared or unsafe, but something as simple as loud thunder or not being able to wear their favorite shoes can activate big feelings in our littles. The nervous system moves into protection pathways of fight, flight, or freeze/collapse responses.
In fight or flight, the heart rate increases and hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are released in an effort to facilitate a mobilization response.
In a shut down response, the heart rate slows, digestion slows, there can be loss of appetite, and concentration becomes difficult.
The pathway of regulation: Because of how the nervous system evolved, there is a very specific order to how our bodies process stress or danger. When we become familiar with this order, we can start to identify the tools needed to begin the co-regulation process. Very simply put… when the body senses a threat, first we cry out for help, if finding connection doesn’t help us feel safe, fight or flight energy will be activated. If this doesn’t help us, the body goes into a collapse response. This is an automatic process, we do not tell our nervous system what to do! Knowing this helps relax shame, judgement, and blame when big feelings come up. When we normalize and understand how the body works “challenging behaviors” like hitting, biting, not listening, or zoning out are simply signs of a dysregulated nervous system doing what it can to aid survival.
What are some simple steps caregivers can do to help children who are experiencing big feelings?
The first thing to do is try to regulate yourself! Practicing self care daily can help build up your inner resources and resilience so you're prepared when the kids need help. If you sense a flood of feelings coming on, get curious. Behaviors arise out of the nervous system state… fight or flight will look different than collapse.
Taking 3 deep breaths, humming, drinking water, jumping jacks, or asking a partner or friend for support are all good places to start.
Tone of voice is huge! Keeping your voice calm and gentle will send a message of safety and connection. Humans respond to voices with a lot of prosody in them. Prosody has to do with the emotionality of a voice-we like variations in pitch, tone, and rhythm. This is why stories that rhyme and even lullabies can be so effective to sooth the littles. But it might be best to stop talking all together. Yelling, screaming, or demanding they tell you what is wrong can only escalate the energy. When we are significantly stressed our access to language goes a bit off line!
Getting outside, deep breaths, bouncing on a yoga ball, hugging/squeezing oneself, rocking gently from side to side, petting a pet, resting on a heating pad, a healthy snack, or a cozy cup of tea are just a few ideas to start the regulation process. When times are calm, the family can even make an age appropriate list to refer to when big feelings arise. For example: “When I don’t feel like sharing and I get mad, jumping on the trampoline can help” or “If I am feeling left out, I could hold my favorite lovey and rock gently.”
How can creating a nurturing environment foster emotional regulation and connection?
Our nervous systems feel nurtured when given context, choice, and connection in order to feel safe and available to meet the ups and downs of daily life. Explaining to kids what is going to happen by using words like: “First…, Next…, and Then...” allows their nervous system to know what to expect from an outing to the park or meal and bedtime routines. Whenever possible, offering safe and manageable choices is very important. Giving choices helps kids feel important, like choosing books at bedtime, what outfit to wear, choosing two more things to do before leaving the park, whether to use whispering voices or loud voices… simple things like this can add to a sense of safety and empowerment for kids.
The activities and daily rituals that spark connection are unique to every family. Sharing food, telling stories, making music, time spent enjoying the outdoors, caring for animals, listening to one another and playing are all ways to build a strong yet flexible emotionally intelligent household.
About Abby: Abby Brammell is a mom, an actress, and a mental health advocate. After receiving a masters in counseling psychology she created the non-profit, Neuro~Artistry & Education to bridge the gap between neuroscience and artistry. She is passionate about using the arts to teach the basics of nervous system regulation in fun, easily accessible, and imaginative ways. Abby is fundraising to move into mass production of a board game she created and handpainted called CONNECTION QUEST! A little board game about big feelings! The game is a collaborative adventure for ages 4+ and mirrors the nervous system's pathway of regulation to begin introducing concepts like co-regulation, self-regulation, emotional intelligence, and resilience when challenges arise.
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